What God has been teaching me

     Staring to write this it's 3:30am... exactly 3:30 am. I didn't plan to be awake and I still really don't want to be, but I have a lot on my mind and heart. I lost a friend this week. No they didn't die, it was just necessary to end things right now. It was hard and brought with it a wave of emotions that I wasn't expecting. But that's not what's on my mind...
       I have been so focused on the guilt and craziness and the strong emotions that have been building with this situation during the last couple weeks, that I have ignored the needs and wants of people in my life. I've been so self-focused that it's all been about me me me and my drama and what I want or need! But then again, that's who I've been becoming for a while because my heart has wandered from Him.
     "That's not Christ-like! That won't reflect a need for Jesus to anyone. In fact, that won't even reflect that I am His child!" That's what my mind has screamed at me for months. My heart knew that God is love. God forgives! God selflessly sent His only Son Jesus to earth to die for the sins of the world when He had done nothing wrong, just to make a way for us to be able to be in His kingdom with Him forever. That was the ultimate act of selflessness, love and grace.

      But guilt is an awful thing. It has driven people crazy, literally crazy. It grows and often makes sin easier because it's already there and then sin brings about more guilt...a vicious cycle. I don't know if non-christians struggle with guilt or if it is merely a device Satan uses to torture and discourage Christians. But either way, I know it is indeed a tool Satan uses in my life. I took on a pile of guilt because of my choices I made in this friendship. I won't go into details but it's been a constant distraction gnawing at me for a couple years. I choose to take my eyes of Jesus and put them on my sin and my problems and as a result, I let it suck my joy and happiness from me, rendering me useless for His kingdom.
There is guilty condemnation from Satan and a conviction that comes from God. Satan is a big fan of copying God, so naturally he came up with a harmful version of our conscience. Condemnation hurts us with a self hatred and disapproval but conviction leads us to being set free from sin.
       Lately, condemnation has become the norm for me. I had forgotten what peace felt like, what forgiveness felt like, what grace and the joy that comes from it feels like. But God has been at work! 
       I don't claim to be the brightest person around. I'm kinda smart but I can be pretty dense and clueless too. I sometimes take a bit for truth to sink in. No, that's an understatement. I sometimes have to have truth come in paddle-form and be spiritually spanked with it until I finally let it in. I knew truth but I chose to hang on to sin and I then felt too trapped to look for a way out. Fortunatly God used some wonderful people in my life to point me to the truth and guide me to the moment where i knew I had to break free.

Romans 8:1a says: "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus..."

I John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

John 3:17 "For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him."

God isn't into condemnation, He is into salvation and restoration!

In the midst of this ordeal, God brought a person into my life who has been giving me a new insight on life. This person does not share my faith but they had something that caught my attention quickly... caught my attention and held it (which, if you know me, you know this is an accomplishment). I've meant care free people before; ones who care so little about everything that they are ignorant to how they effect people and selfishly don't care. But I've meant few carefree people who are so focused on others that they just let problems roll off of themselves. Their happiness seems unbreakable. They are calm and stress doesn't hold them captive.
      This person is one of those selfless unstoppably happy people. God clearly has given this person a willpower stronger then most and obviously has big plans to use them immensely in the future. He already has used them, to show me who I want and need to become again.
      God can use anyone to bring about his will, and I want in on that usefulness!

Albert Einstein said "A person starts to live when he can live outside himself."

And

Philippines 2:4 says "Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."

      I've meant some who have lived this way. I've experienced this for myself at one point. This is how God desires us to live...as He lived.
      It's time to start a new season! Time to live self-abandoned; focused on Him and where His focus is, reaching out to others in His love.

Sidewall Prophets have a song that sings this desire:

"Sometimes I think
What will people say of me
When I'm only just a memory
When I'm home where my soul belongs

Was I love
When no one else would show up
Was I Jesus to the least of those
Was my worship more than just a song

I want to live like that
And give it all I have
So that everything I say and do
Points to You

If love is who I am
Then this is where I'll stand
Recklessly abandoned
Never holding back

I want to live like that
I want to live like that

Am I proof
That You are who you say You are
That grace can really change a heart
Do I live like Your love is true

People pass
And even if they don't know my name
Is there evidence that I've been changed
When they see me, do they see You

I want to live like that
And give it all I have
So that everything I say and do
Points to You

If love is who I am
Then this is where I'll stand
Recklessly abandoned
Never holding back

I want to live like that
I want to live like that

I want to show the world the love You gave for me
I'm longing for the world to know the glory of the King."

..may this be more then a desire in each of us. May He become who others see when they see us.