What God has been teaching me

     Staring to write this it's 3:30am... exactly 3:30 am. I didn't plan to be awake and I still really don't want to be, but I have a lot on my mind and heart. I lost a friend this week. No they didn't die, it was just necessary to end things right now. It was hard and brought with it a wave of emotions that I wasn't expecting. But that's not what's on my mind...
       I have been so focused on the guilt and craziness and the strong emotions that have been building with this situation during the last couple weeks, that I have ignored the needs and wants of people in my life. I've been so self-focused that it's all been about me me me and my drama and what I want or need! But then again, that's who I've been becoming for a while because my heart has wandered from Him.
     "That's not Christ-like! That won't reflect a need for Jesus to anyone. In fact, that won't even reflect that I am His child!" That's what my mind has screamed at me for months. My heart knew that God is love. God forgives! God selflessly sent His only Son Jesus to earth to die for the sins of the world when He had done nothing wrong, just to make a way for us to be able to be in His kingdom with Him forever. That was the ultimate act of selflessness, love and grace.

      But guilt is an awful thing. It has driven people crazy, literally crazy. It grows and often makes sin easier because it's already there and then sin brings about more guilt...a vicious cycle. I don't know if non-christians struggle with guilt or if it is merely a device Satan uses to torture and discourage Christians. But either way, I know it is indeed a tool Satan uses in my life. I took on a pile of guilt because of my choices I made in this friendship. I won't go into details but it's been a constant distraction gnawing at me for a couple years. I choose to take my eyes of Jesus and put them on my sin and my problems and as a result, I let it suck my joy and happiness from me, rendering me useless for His kingdom.
There is guilty condemnation from Satan and a conviction that comes from God. Satan is a big fan of copying God, so naturally he came up with a harmful version of our conscience. Condemnation hurts us with a self hatred and disapproval but conviction leads us to being set free from sin.
       Lately, condemnation has become the norm for me. I had forgotten what peace felt like, what forgiveness felt like, what grace and the joy that comes from it feels like. But God has been at work! 
       I don't claim to be the brightest person around. I'm kinda smart but I can be pretty dense and clueless too. I sometimes take a bit for truth to sink in. No, that's an understatement. I sometimes have to have truth come in paddle-form and be spiritually spanked with it until I finally let it in. I knew truth but I chose to hang on to sin and I then felt too trapped to look for a way out. Fortunatly God used some wonderful people in my life to point me to the truth and guide me to the moment where i knew I had to break free.

Romans 8:1a says: "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus..."

I John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

John 3:17 "For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him."

God isn't into condemnation, He is into salvation and restoration!

In the midst of this ordeal, God brought a person into my life who has been giving me a new insight on life. This person does not share my faith but they had something that caught my attention quickly... caught my attention and held it (which, if you know me, you know this is an accomplishment). I've meant care free people before; ones who care so little about everything that they are ignorant to how they effect people and selfishly don't care. But I've meant few carefree people who are so focused on others that they just let problems roll off of themselves. Their happiness seems unbreakable. They are calm and stress doesn't hold them captive.
      This person is one of those selfless unstoppably happy people. God clearly has given this person a willpower stronger then most and obviously has big plans to use them immensely in the future. He already has used them, to show me who I want and need to become again.
      God can use anyone to bring about his will, and I want in on that usefulness!

Albert Einstein said "A person starts to live when he can live outside himself."

And

Philippines 2:4 says "Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."

      I've meant some who have lived this way. I've experienced this for myself at one point. This is how God desires us to live...as He lived.
      It's time to start a new season! Time to live self-abandoned; focused on Him and where His focus is, reaching out to others in His love.

Sidewall Prophets have a song that sings this desire:

"Sometimes I think
What will people say of me
When I'm only just a memory
When I'm home where my soul belongs

Was I love
When no one else would show up
Was I Jesus to the least of those
Was my worship more than just a song

I want to live like that
And give it all I have
So that everything I say and do
Points to You

If love is who I am
Then this is where I'll stand
Recklessly abandoned
Never holding back

I want to live like that
I want to live like that

Am I proof
That You are who you say You are
That grace can really change a heart
Do I live like Your love is true

People pass
And even if they don't know my name
Is there evidence that I've been changed
When they see me, do they see You

I want to live like that
And give it all I have
So that everything I say and do
Points to You

If love is who I am
Then this is where I'll stand
Recklessly abandoned
Never holding back

I want to live like that
I want to live like that

I want to show the world the love You gave for me
I'm longing for the world to know the glory of the King."

..may this be more then a desire in each of us. May He become who others see when they see us.

Trust without Borders

I never use to be that much into Christian music because I found most vocal styles of the singers to be a bit hard to listen to, but in the last several months, I have started paying attention to the lyrics of the songs and it has become my new favorite genre of music. I have a few songs that stand out and have special meanings to me. One of them is where the title of this post comes from. It is a song by Hillsong United called Oceans (Where Feet may Fail). I won't quote all the lyrics but the part that stood out the first time I heard it was this:

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"

I first heard this song several months ago but the significance of this line hangs around in my heart. It became my desire and my prayer. I began to wonder what would it be like to have trust without borders. Is so easy to say that we trust God, but when we get right down to it, how much do we really trust Him? When a storm comes, do we really stand unmoved on His promises or do our knees begin to shake as our faith quivers from the strong winds beating against us? When we have prayed for something over and over again for a long time, does our faith begin to run out. Do we start feeling like He can't be trusted when His time is not our time or His ways our ways?

One day back in January as this song played through my mind, I began praying for that trust. I wanted to have a confident border-less trust in God. I have heard several people say not to pray for patience because God will give it to you, well, this is another one of those prayers that you should only pray if you really really want it, because God will begin His work to give it to you. God wasted no time in answering my prayer. Ever sense I prayed this prayer, my life has been in a constant state of ups and downs, gifts, and goodbyes. It is as if God keeps giving me things saying "Here is something special, but you cannot hang on to it. It is still mine and you are still mine. I may have a better plan for you then just this gift. Will you trust me if my plan involves taking gifts back?" "He gives and takes away" has been the theme of the year but the theme that underlies every situation has been trust. When God changes our plans, we have to just trust that He really does know what He is doing and has a better plan. Then there are those things we pray for. Sometimes its for a deep desire of our heart or for a loved one's salvation. We pray and pray for hours, months, and even years for these requests but still no answer has come. Its easy to grow tired and want to give up, but He isn't growing tired. He is still at work.
It sometimes takes trials coming to get us to the end of our self, so we have no where else to place our trust, but in Him. It seems like it should be so easy to trust. Just trust God! But its not easy. We like to have a say, we like to be involved. Its hard to take our hands off and admit we can't handle something. Its kind of pathetic how we hang on to things or situations and refuse to trust God with them, when He is the very One who made those things.

I was reading a book with a chapter on Hudson Taylor, a missionary to China in the 1800s. God used this man to bring so many people to Him and his life story is amazing! For me, what popped out of his story, was the testimony people shared about his faith in God. The man was so surrendered and at rest in Jesus, that no bad news or test could shake his trust in God's perfect control and plan. Someone said of him:
"Whatever did not agitate the Savior, or ruffle His spirit was not to agitate him. The serenity of the Lord Jesus concerning any matter and at its most critical moment, this was his ideal and practical possession...he knew there was a peace passing all understanding, and that he could not do without it."

That is the trust without borders I pray for, and that is the trust that God wants to give us all. Its not a fun process. Its frightening, and often very painful, and I know I am no where near finished in this journey to having that kind of trust. But He is clearly at work and it slowly is becoming a little easier to trust more and more to my Savior and His perfect will.

To whoever might read this, cling to Jesus in whatever is going on in your life. No trial or storm is too big, and no desire of our heart is too great for God to handle. Cast all your cares upon Him and put your trust fully in Him. He is at work in ways we can't see but never the less, He IS at work! God desires our trust to be without borders, endless, unmoving. He doesn't want us to sink into the waves as Peter did when he tried to walk on water. Keep your eyes on Jesus. Let him have every part of your life, every fear, need, and desire. Trust Him with it all. His grace is sufficient, His love unfailing, and His will is perfect.

"Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine"

"I know the Plans I have fore You," Declares the Lord!

I have wanted to start writing out what the Lord is teaching me for a long time and usually write one post then end up deleting it or losing where I wrote it. I remembered that I had this blog on another account and thought I'd bring it back to life and give it another try. I don't know if anyone else will ever read this, but I love to look back at what God has done in this crazy adventure of life anyway. Although I keep a much more detailed private journal, I feel like I am to start this less personally detailed one as well and if some random person comes across it and reads it and is encouraged spiritually, its served its purpose.

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.”

           Looking back at the date on my last post gave me very mixed emotions. I was waiting for God to give me an adventure. Little did I know, an adventure was just around the corner. It was beautiful and exciting and seemed to be exactly what I had prayed for. It had so many reflections of Jesus and He was so involved but some adventures are only chapters in the story God has written. God asked for the the pen to my entire life story quite a while ago, and although I sometime try to take it back, He never fails to give me the grace to let go of it again. At the end of January, I heard His still small voice asking me to give Him back the pen again, to relinquish my dreams, desires, and adventures back to Him. I remember a pastor once saying that we are to come before God with our hands open, grasping onto nothing, asking Him to give and take anything in our life as He pleases. That very day I let go of everything and a crazy indescribable peace took over my heart. A new adventure began...a spiritual one. God was calling me back to His set-apart life. I won't go into detail of the ways I had let my flesh take over in the last couple years, but God began to show me things that needed to change and be removed from my life to allow Him to have full control and unhindered access to my heart. As my relationship with my Heavenly Prince grew, He revealed that He didn't have that full access yet. Some things were still taking my focus from Him. I prayed one day that God would become the most important thing in my life and that He would be the focus of my heart above all else. A short time later, God penned the final words of that chapter’s adventures.

I have been absolutely in awe of God during the start of a brand new chapter! The former chapter was filled with joy and pain, but never once did God quit being good. He still has never failed or left me. And He faithfully has and is using His Word to remind me that He is in control of everything. He has used the past and current adventure to reveal Himself to me in ways so far beyond what I have ever experienced before and to call my heart closer to His! He is teaching me to trust Him endlessly with every single thing and is giving peace and grace to accept whatever He does.

I read a quote by Elisabeth Elliot recently. She said “Of one thing I am perfectly sure: God's story never ends with 'ashes.”

           Sometimes things look pretty much like a burnt up heap of ashes and if we try to fix things ourselves, all we will get is more crumbled up pieces of ashes (and make ourselves a really big mess in the process). But if we let God be the author of the story, He does what only He can do...He makes something beautiful from the ashes. Although I hadn't noticed, God had already been starting a new adventure in my life as He was bringing the previous adventure to an end. I am excited and expectant to see what He has planned for this chapter of my life story as He becomes more and more, the focus of my heart and existence.

“We mustn't claim to stand for our King but then deny Him by living a fleshly existence. Our King's Mighties don't shy away from the blazing searchlight of God's Word, but rather, willingly expose their souls and cry, 'Dear King, if there be anything that stands between You and me, if there be anything that shrouds Your glory, if there be anything that will weaken my sword in battle, purge it, slay it, utterly destroy it!” -Eric Ludy, Wrestling Prayer

Wanting an Adventure

In college I read a book with my theatre teacher/mentor about a guy who was overweight and alone and bored with life. The book followed his journey to having a much more fulfilling life. Of course this dude was an author and had a lot more money then I can image so he did all kinds of awesome things I probably won't ever be able to afford to do. But the theme of the book was to make every day a story worth living. I am not overweight and I live with my parents so I'm not technically alone, but I am very bored with life like this author was. I gradated with a BM in Vocal Pedagogy and Performance with a minor in Theatre Arts. Yes, I do realize now that this is a 100% useless degree! I love music and theatre but as a Christian whose degree came from a little nobody college, there isn't a lot of opportunity or use for such a degree in the real world and not a lot of ministry opportunities for it in this area either. So what have I done with it? I have taught /am teaching voice lessons to a couple student. And I've...oh yeah, that's it. That is all I've done with my degree. I am a part time nanny for two families and although I sing to my kiddos I watch, that is the extent of my musical performance. I miss real performing and I miss ministering in music, but so far, no doors have opened and I'm not sure where to look for doors...or even if I should. I love the families I nanny for and when the time comes to leave them, I know I will cry uncontrollably for days because I love the kids like they were my own, but I often find myself feeling very unsatisfied with my life and like I am no longer in the place I am suppose to be. At this point I am wandering about clueless as to what my next step is. I have no leads and no idea what I even want to do (or what God wants). Although I believe God has a plan for me, at this point, He hasn't shown me what that is. Sooo I think best when I write so I had this unoriginal idea to blog about it. Guess this is post 1 in my search for adventure to make every day a story worth living.